(A specially-designed, common-sense challenge to our Republican citizens, adhering to the precious principles set forth by the GOPAC memo "Language: A Key Mechanism of Control." Words in bold are those which have been scientifically calculated to provide Jessi 'n' Chris with prosperity, due to the fact that we are confident that you are unable to resist pulling out your wallet and shouting, "Where do I sign?" every time you see them. Family! Legacy! Reform!)
"Citizens, children, countrymen: lend me your ears! The politics of failure have failed! This conflict in Iraq has obviously been an active agent of change, in that we have rightly eliminated peace- much like our President's caring punitive policies have eliminated the good time many mentally retarded people were having in prison.
(pause for applause, laughter, approving whoops and hollers)
"But seriously, now, I know we're all having a lot of fun over in Iraq, but we have a lot of hard work ahead of us if-
(pause for spontaneous standing ovation, chants of "Hard work! Hard work!")
"Well, thank you- thank you. But calm down, now. I appreciate it, but let's- we've gotta get serious here for a moment. [Squints at Tele-Prompter.] We have a lot of hard work ahead of us if we shall ever be able to secure the sort of luscious freedom in these United States that our military men- good, no-nonsense men like Donald Rumsfeld, I mean; not peacenik pansies like that light-in-the-loafers Schwarzkopf- are successfully winning in the Middle East. Freedom for unchecked acquisition among the ruling class! Freedom from costly dividend taxes that could make that crucial difference between a person being 'really fucking rich' and 'really, really fucking rich'! Freedom from physicians who fill the heads of the women-folk with extreme, liberal notions of 'choices' and 'rights' about everything from abortion to contraception to wearing slacks instead of the moral, constrictive garments of the pioneers!
(pause for applause; pistols fired triumphantly into the air, followed by crescendo of applause)
"Right on! Truly, not since the Crusades has the cause of the righteous been so clear-cut, and the path to- um...
(The honorable speaker pauses. A septuagenarian black man has wandered into the conference room. Dr. Trickledown reflexively places his hand on his back pocket to protect his wallet, and the room goes silent. The intruder explains that he was looking for the restroom, and quickly exits. A collective sigh of relief fills the room. Dr. Trickledown is visibly rattled, but continues.)
"I... You'll have to excuse me a moment, brothers. [Exhales deeply.] My apologies. That was a close one; I'm unsure how he got into the building. As I was saying, not since the Crusades has it been so obvious to the majority that there was one- and only one- path for the righteous to take. A path of truth. Of liberty. Of [glances quickly at GOPAC buzzword sheet] empowerment and strength and mobilization! And that path, my friends, is the Jessi 'n' Chris Anti-War Toronto Fund. As a bonafide guest speaker at Republican fundraisers nationwide, I highly recommend that you donate- and donate often- to this all-American organization devoted to the sanctity of life, and spreading a nice, fuzzy feeling of said sanctity to our gentle, backward neighbors to the north.
(Audience members, unable to control their enthusiasm, begin indiscriminately hurling American currency at the stage. One particularly precise throw results in the monocle being knocked from Dr. Trickledown's face and somehow replaced by one of those reviled Sacagawea dollar coins. Laughter and general merriment erupt, and even the ordinarily poker-faced doctor is forced to admit a smile. Because, come on, it's funny.)
"No, no, my friends. I understand you're eager to put your hard-earned cash toward a good cause (provided that cause doesn't involve the homeless or arts funding, of course), but simply flinging money about all willy-nilly is not the most effective way of going about it. Once this convention has come to an end, you'll just have to go home, 'log on' to the Jessi 'n' Chris Anti-War Toronto Fund website, and donate your... [he scrambles awkwardly for a synonym] donations, I guess... there. But first, we've got a lot more Republicaning to do today, so I'm proud to have the opportunity to introduce the man whose career was unfortunately railroaded by another in a shameless series of liberal campaigns of 'political correctness' and 'intelligent social discourse'; the one, the only, the dreamboat, Trent Lott!"
(The good doctor takes Lott in a passionate embrace and exits the stage, amid thunderous applause, stomping of feet, punching of wives.)