Willie's Off-Brand Web Journal: November 14-December 7, 2005

Monday, November 14, 2005:

Stolen from Jon Walter:

Music Title Prophecies: Go to whatever program you use to listen to MP3s (in this case, MusicMatch Jukebox) and shuffle your songs. Ask the following questions as you're about to start, and after each one, skip to the next song. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

1. What do you think of me, MusicMatch Jukebox?
ANSWER: "Yor" (by Venetian Snares)
Okay, that's not something I'm going to count as an answer, so let's move onto the next song...
ANSWER: "Y Gwybodusion" (by Gruff Rhys)
I... don't really know what that means. Let's try again.
ANSWER: "Comb Your Hair" (by The Boo Radleys)
Alright. That's fair. Long-haired freaky people need not apply for MusicMatch Jukebox's affection, I guess.

2. Will I have a happy life?
ANSWER: "Overand" (by Autechre)
Again, not a word. Trying again.
ANSWER: "Camlica Yolunda" (by Haramiler)
Foreign languages aren't words either. Trying again.
ANSWER: "I'm White and Middle Class" (by The Urinals)
Well, I suppose there's no changing the former, and I wouldn't aspire to more than the latter, so yay!

3. What do my friends really think of me?
ANSWER: "Spider Monkey" (by Beth Gibbons & Rustin Mann)
It would not surprise me to discover that this is actually the case.

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
ANSWER:"Bug City" (by Presidents of the United States of America)
So I'm apparently a hot item in entomological circles. Spider monkeys aren't actually... half-spider or anything, are they?

5. What does [insert significant other here] think of me?
ANSWER: "Tarantula" (by Meat Puppets)
Seriously, this is getting just a little freaky. I know Bev has a weird thing about not killing spiders, but I didn't know that applied to me.

6. How can I make myself happy?
ANSWER: "Let's Make the Water Turn Black" (by Frank Zappa)
Nah, I've poisoned any number of reservoirs and it's left me with little long-term satisfaction.

7. What should I do with my life?
ANSWER: "Mr. Frosty" (by Mike and Rich)
I already moved to Maine, but it's nice to have my decision validated.

8. Why must life be so full of pain?
ANSWER: "..." (by Thinking Fellers Union Local 282)
I'm guessing it's saying that it's a question to which no one holds the answer? Let's try another one anyway...
ANSWER: "Where Even the Darkness is Something to See" (by Coil)
So... pain is as much a part of life as happiness, and we need the pain to understand how important the happy times are? Or to quote the cab driver from Brain Candy: "The only way to be happy is to know you can't be happy every single day. La la la la la la. It sounds a lot better in the original Croatian." I'll accept that.

9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
ANSWER: "Invasion of the Dragonmen" (by Man... Or Astro-Man?)
Is that a Kama Sutra position? It doesn't sound comfortable.

10. Will I ever have children?
ANSWER: "Unknown" (by Son Thoeung)
I don't like that at all. The answer is no. NO! Give me a NO answer!
ANSWER: "Let's Leave It Like That" (by Steve Wynn)
No, "unknown" doesn't count as an answer. I'm going to keep going until you confirm that Bev and I will never have to deal with a wretched little crotchloaf.
ANSWER: "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" (by The Smiths)
Tough. You're MY Magic 8 Ball of musical predictions, and you answer to me, dammit! Give me "No Children" by The Mountain Goats!
ANSWER: "Here Comes My Baby" (by Yo La Tengo)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

11. Will I die happy?
ANSWER: [I'm scrolling here until I get an answer that makes sense, unlike, say, "Instant Club Hit" by The Dead Milkmen, "Ether" by Optiganally Yours, "The Hanging Garden" by The Cure, "Pelt and Holler" by Matmos, and "Spanish Fantasy (pt. 3)" by Chick Corea] "A Public Execution" (by Mouse and the Traps)
I guess as long as I get attention, I'm happy. Like any good ADD kid. I guess I should start on a particularly snarky set of last words, like Oscar Wilde's (possibly apocryphal) "Either that wallpaper goes or I do."

12. Can you give me some good advice?
ANSWER: "S.I.B. (Swelling Itching Brain)" (by Devo)
That's hardly advice.
ANSWER: [More scrolling ensues: "That Wave" by XTC, "Henry VIII" by The Tyde, "Gogonal" by Mouse on Mars, "Night in the City" by Joni Mitchell, "Contusion" by Stevie Wonder, "Club G.R.O.S.S." by Chris Thile, "The Upper Classes" by the Auteurs.] "Love Me, I'm a Liberal" (by Phil Ochs)
Sarcastic nature of the tune aside, I do love liberals. So if that's the secret to happiness, I guess I'm there! Unless Ochs was referring to some specific liberal like Jello Biafra, who's a total douche...

13. Do you know where your children are?
ANSWER: "A Friend's Place" (by Isaac Hayes)
How sad is it that the title of this song freaked me out even though I love Isaac Hayes ("Hey everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown!") and hate children?

14. What do you think happiness is?
ANSWER: "Failure" (by Kings of Convenience)
Tell me, is there anyone happier than me?

CURRENT MUSIC: My music collection on "random shuffle"; specifically, "Toasted Dub" by Jack Dangers (which samples Cypress Hill's appearance on Simpsons! Yay!).
CURRENT MOOD: Dressing to the left.
CURRENT ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT CATCHPHRASE: I've made a huge mistake.
TIME: 3:25 PM.

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