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Willie's Off-Brand Web Journal

Wednesday, December 5, 2007:

Two punctuation-related funnies this morning:

Bill Cosby and Alvin Poussaint, in their new book, advocate a rarely-considered strategy to improve the lot of African Americans: Come On People. (Discovered through The Comics Curmudgeon.) I can't decide whether the graphic designer in charge of the cover should be excoriated for sloppiness or high-fived for getting away with it.

Seems like, if they rooted around in the bargain bins, Cosby and Poussaint could have acquired any number of unused commas from remaindered copies of the maddeningly titled memoir I Am a Soldier, Too by heroically disoriented private Jessica Lynch.

Though if the cover's advice is taken literally, I suppose it would teach those pound cake thieves a unique lesson.

Secondly, an obituary published in this morning's Kennebec Journal began as follows (though I've changed the name):

Albert I. Perry, 63, "went to be with God" on Thursday, Nov. 29, 2007.

I know most Americans use quotation marks merely for decoration, but I choose to believe that the loved one who dictated this notice spoke the phrase "went to be with God" with a venomous, Paul F. Tompkins-inspired dollop of sarcasm and made exaggerated jazz hands while doing so. It's just so deliciously inappropriate that way.

CURRENT MOOD: Unbecoming.
CURRENT PRODUCT LUST: Behringer C1 Large Diaphram Studio Condenser Microphone. Hint, hint.

Doot? | |

Tuesday, November 27, 2007:

Did you ever see that one Kids in the Hall sketch where Dave Foley is a couture designer who intentionally makes painful, injurious clothing because he despises women?

I was reminded of that as I read this repugnant little excerpt from How to Make Love, a brochure written by Hugh Morris, copyright 1936 (reprinted 1987!):

HOW TO APPROACH A GIRL

In kissing a girl whose experience with osculation is limited, it is a good thing to work up to the kissing of the lips. Only an arrant fool seizes hold of such a girl when they are comfortably seated on a sofa, and suddenly shoves his face into hers and smacks her lips. Naturally, the first thing he should do is to arrange it so that the girl is seated against the arm of the sofa while he is at her side. In this way, she cannot edge away from him when he becomes serious in his attentions. This done, on some pretext or other, such as a gallant attempt to adjust the cushions behind her (tenderness, you see) he manages to insinuate his arm, first around the back of the sofa and then, gradually, around her shoulders.

If she flinches, don't worry. If she flinches and makes an outcry, don't worry. If she flinches, makes an outcry and tries to get up from the sofa, don't worry. Hold her, gently but firmly, and allay her fears with kind, reassuring words. Remember what Shakespeare said about "a woman's no." However, if she flinches, makes an outcry, a loud stentorian outcry, mind you, and starts to scratch your face, then start to worry or start to get yourself out of a bad situation. Such girls are not to be trifled with... or kissed. It is such as they, in most cases, who still believe the story of the stork who brings babies because of the consequences of a kiss.

But if your arm is comfortably reposed across the girl's shoulders and "all's right with the world," then your next step is to flatter her in some way. All women like to be flattered. They like to be told they are beautiful even when the mirror throws the lie back in their ugly faces.

CURRENT MUSIC: Hotel Morgen by To Rococo Rot.
CURRENT MOOD:
Slightly amused by this clip of all the execution videos from the pointlessly violent videogame Manhunt set to Benny Hill's "Yakety Sax" theme.
CURRENT TOP TWO TERMS TO SPELL OUT AND SING IN PLACE OF THE WORD "GLAMOROUS" IN FERGIE'S TUNE OF THE SAME NAME:
"Hula hoops" and "ostriches."
TIME:
12:43 p.m.

Doot? | |

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