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Recipe for Willie's Space-Age Moon Noodles

This recipe is based on the cuisine of the Ice Cream Company, which is a take-out restaurant in Detroit. In fact, the Ice Cream Company is the only good feature of the entire city of Detroit (apart from the Red Wings), though it's not nearly enough to redeem the city as a whole. The restaurant is located on Warren Avenue, just west of Woodward, if you ever have the misfortune to be in the decaying neighborhood and would like to escape the rot by eating some wonderful, noodle-based food.

Ingredients:

· One bag of noodles (We use Mueller's yolk-free noodle-style pasta, but noodles are noodles.)

· One tub of Parkay brand margarine spread (It must be Parkay. Other brands taste all oily.)

· One bag of shredded cheddar cheese or cheddar-style vegan cheese product (henceforth referred to as "cheese")

· One bag of shredded mozzarella cheese

· Bags of any other sort of shredded cheese that you think might taste good (colby jack is pretty good)

· Smart Choice brand meat-free deli slices (ham- or turkey-style) or ground beef-style soy crumbles

· Salt

Directions:

1. Boil 8 cups of water in a reasonably large saucepan.

2. Once water is boiling, reduce heat to medium and add however many noodles you think you can eat. (1/3 to 1/2 the bag makes a good-sized serving.) Cook for 9 minutes, stirring compulsively.

*If you're adding lunchmeat-style veggie slices to your noodles, you can use this time to tear the slices up into little pieces.

3. Drain noodles and pile them on a microwave-safe plate.

4. Sprinkle salt over noodles.

5. Add about four big pats of Parkay margarine at various points around the noodle pile.

6. If adding vegetarian lunchmeat or soy crumbles to noodles, arrange the meaty bits nicely atop the noodles.

7. Generously heap the various kinds of shredded cheese on the noodles until you're satisfied. With the amount of cheese, I mean. Not in general. No amount of cheese can do that. (HINT: This recipe works much better if you use a ratio of two parts mozzarella to one part of whatever additional cheeses you're including.)

8. Microwave the entire concoction on HIGH for one minute and 50 seconds or until the cheese is thoroughly melted.

9. Remove from microwave and sprinkle more salt over the mixture.

10. Stir it up good. The object is to give every noodle a little bit o' cheese.

11. Eat immediately or it will all congeal and be gross. If you can't eat it all, store the uneaten portion in your fridge until you're ready for more noodlelicious fun. Then add three or four more pats of margarine to the frozen plate, and heat it on HIGH in your microwave for two minutes.

Serving Suggestion:

There are, in theory, infinite variations on this recipe. Experiment until you find your favorite. The Ice Cream Company features such toppings as: Sour Cream 'n' Chives, Chili, Ground Beef (with cheese), Spinach and Cheese, and Pizza (cheese, pepperoni, tomato sauce). So if you're a murderous carnivore with no concern for the feelings of the animals who suffer just so you can get five minutes of culinary enjoyment and then excrete what's left of their mutilated flesh, and you want to go to all the trouble of preparing some ground beef in place of the lunchmeat, be my guest. Here's a hint, though: Bologna and cheese is not a good combination.

High-Altitude Cooking Instructions:

Same as above, except add four eggs and a Hershey bar to the water as it's boiling. Trust me.


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