disclaimer is not a toy


Rules for Strip Monopoly

by Chris Willie Williams

(Stupid legal note: This essay is a parody and is not endorsed, authorized, or in any way affiliated with Parker Bros. or any entity related to the company or the makers of Monopoly.)

OBJECT… The object of the game is to become the wealthiest player through buying, renting, and selling property. The donning and doffing of clothing by all participants is also involved, but that's really more of a delightful bonus rather than the actual object of the game. (Some players, of course, will be all too happy to devote all of their competitive energy to devising evil machinations which will result in their competitors getting nekkid. No official "object of the game" is going to stop that.)

EQUIPMENT… One Monopoly set by Parker Brothers, orange construction paper, yellow construction paper, scissors, a ruler, a fine-point Sharpie, and a willingness to debase yourself in front of your friends.

OPTIONAL EQUIPMENT… Alcoholic drinks, mood-setting CDs by Air, D'Angelo, Chris Isaak, or whichever artist you consider sexy. (SPECIAL NOTE: You will automatically forfeit the game if you put anything by Tori Amos, Limp Bizkit, or the Crystal Method on your stereo.)

PREPARATION… With the Sharpie, construction paper, and ruler, draw a bunch of rectangles that are the same size as the Chance and Community Chest cards that came with your Monopoly set. Have a parent help you cut out the rectangles with the scissors.

Write each of these instructions on separate cards:

· Remove one article of clothing.

· Put one article of clothing back on.

· Command any opponent to remove one article of clothing.

· You have been elected Voyeur of the Board! All of your opponents must remove one article of clothing!

· You must allow one opponent to put an item of clothing back on.

· You have been assessed for plastic surgery. Pay $50 per article of clothing that you have already removed.

Feel free to indulge your filthy imagination and make up your own instructions for additional cards. Be careful not to include any instructions that are in conflict with local or state ordinances, and please don't include explicit instructions of how to act out your perverted private fantasies- this needs to be a game your friends will be willing to play, remember.

Adorning the cards with cartoons depicting Mr. Monopoly in compromising positions is optional.

When you've finished designing your new cards, shuffle them in with the Chance and Community Chest cards that came with your Monopoly set. (The Chance cards are orange and the Community Chest ones are yellow.) Then set up the board according to the official Parker Brothers instructions.

Before play begins, all players must be wearing an equal number of clothing articles. For the SHORT 'N' SASSY game, pick a small number, like four. For the LONG 'N' LASCIVIOUS game, pick a larger number, like sixteen.

THE PLAY… Play proceeds in the same fashion as the "correct" version of the game, with the following changes:

1. Landing on the "Free Parking" space entitles you to command any of your opponents/hostages to remove one item of clothing.

2. If you land on the "Income Tax" space, you may either pay 10% of your total worth to the Bank, or you may remove one item of clothing. WARNING: Your choice here may betray to your competitors whether you're playing to win the game or just to keep your dignity, and this may play a role in their future negotiations with you.

3. You may get out of Jail by rolling doubles, paying $50, using a "Get Out of Jail Free" card, or removing one item of clothing. If you fail to throw doubles after three tries, you must remove one item of clothing to get out. (That is, if you plan to pay $50 or use the "Get Out of Jail Free" card, you must do so on one of your first two turns while in the Slammer.)

4. Removal or putting on of clothing may be used as a bargaining chip when negotiating with other players. Some examples:

· "Sparky, I'll give you New York Avenue and take off my shirt if you give me B&O Railroad and take off your dashiki."

· "Frito, if you let me have Boardwalk, I'll give you $100 and take off my pants."

· "Cameron Diaz, I can't afford the rent on Baltic Avenue. How about I give you $50 and take off my sarong?"

· "Tamara, I'll give you $5,000 to take off your bra."

This last example depicts a special type of bargaining in which the removal or putting on of apparel is the only thing offered or demanded by the person making the deal. Each player is limited to ONE such transaction per game because it reduces players to prostitutes, Monopoly money or not. (And remember: you don't have to accept any erotic real estate proposals that you don't want to. No means no.)

OTHER NOTES…

1. When you are ordered to remove one item of clothing, you may not satisfy this requirement by removing a hat, piece of jewelry, shoe, or any similar accessories. Nothing kills the fun of the game faster than a person obeying the letter of the law and not the spirit.

2. If your opponents are totally naked and the rules would ordinarily require them to remove clothing, nothing happens. Relax. What more do you want?

3. If, at any point, any player picks up the game piece shaped like the dog and positions it so that the dog appears to be (a) dead, (b) urinating, or (c) humping any other game piece, that player must remove all of his/her clothing and sit out the remainder of the game. If desired, the other players may send him or her on errands as play continues (e.g., fetching snacks).

4. In the spirit of competitive fair play and social enjoyment, please refrain from mocking any player's physical shortcomings or abnormalities.

ANOTHER GOOD SHORT GAME… Everyone just takes off their clothes and sits around.


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